I've really been holding my breath with this recovery, more so than the last one for some reason. After getting past the three-week point (which was two weeks ago, when I started to write this), I felt a little more at ease. Since then I've been changing my own dressing daily and slowly weaning off of crutches so I can now walk around in the boot—hands-free! I'm still a slave to icing and elevating as much as possible throughout the day. But the very best part? There's no other foot left to do. After this, I'm done, done, done. I can start to return to a life not defined by sitting and waiting and feeling confined and limited and trying my hardest to heal but having little actual control over any of it.
I wrote in my last post about the difficult emotions I'd been having throughout this second surgery recovery. I think I underestimated the psychological toll I would take doing one foot right after the other. And while there was a feeling of elation after getting out of the second surgery successfully, I simply couldn't have anticipated how the feelings of isolation and helplessness would persist. I felt like I was just watching life happen around me, unable to participate in it or have any agency of my own. But those feelings are slowly abating. So as not to dwell on the negative this time, here are some other things to talk about:
To those who have shown me support in one way or another (or in many ways!) over the past three months, thank you. You've collectively been my rock.
I wrote in my last post about the difficult emotions I'd been having throughout this second surgery recovery. I think I underestimated the psychological toll I would take doing one foot right after the other. And while there was a feeling of elation after getting out of the second surgery successfully, I simply couldn't have anticipated how the feelings of isolation and helplessness would persist. I felt like I was just watching life happen around me, unable to participate in it or have any agency of my own. But those feelings are slowly abating. So as not to dwell on the negative this time, here are some other things to talk about:
What I've Been Watching
Warning: There's a theme emerging lately with most of the shows I've been watching—a central female character in her mid-20s or 30s, single, professionally successful, struggling with decisions about the future. Not saying that resembles anyone I know...- Being Mary Jane—Gabrielle Union stars as a fairly successful TV journalist with her own talk show and goals of getting into prime time. Her less successful family and her frustrated attempts at love shed a different light on her that really rounds her out as a character. I really didn't like at many points in the show, and I think it's refreshing to show how human this heroine was. Produced by BET and created by Shonda Rhimes with a mostly black cast, the show also portrayed less of a Cosby view of black life in America.
- Emily Owens, M.D.—I was drawn to this because of the main actress, Mamie Gummer (who I only recently realized was Meryl Streep's daughter, which then seems embarrassingly obvious). It was funny and charming, and I just found the main character endearing. But I guess not many other people did, because it was canceled after one season.
- Chasing Life—A twenty-something budding journalist finds out she has leukemia, which changes the course of her life in ways she never expected. I wasn't completely sold on this at first; I didn't know if it was the acting or the writing or what, but after a few episodes it started to grow on me and in the second season became much deeper of a show than I would have thought from the earlier episodes, and I was completely emotionally invested. Unfortunately, it, too, was canceled after just two seasons.
- Scandal—A picture-perfect president and his wife, a "fixer" mistress and her team of impossibly smart and capable employees whose own lives are impaired, and a top-secret CIA-assassin-spy branch. All the lives intersect at some point. I needed something kind of light and with a lot of episodes that I could have on in the background and not have to pay too much attention to. I have enjoyed other shows by Shonda Rhimes (specifically Being Mary Jane), so I thought I should like this one. I do, but it's a little more surface-level than BMJ. I guess that's what I wanted, right?
- I'm about to start Game of Thrones, now that there are enough episodes out for me to buy an HBO subscription for a month and then cancel it by the time the season is over. I've been very patient and good about avoiding spoilers!
What I'm Looking Forward To
- Being back in the office. I'm a little surprised to admit this one, but I'm going so stir-crazy sitting at home, practically since May, not having in-person interaction with my coworkers. The communication is starting to feel more difficult, despite video-conferencing. Perhaps if this had been the way I always worked, it wouldn't seem strained now. But I've been physically in the office for nearly three years (minus the last few months), so trying to connect in the same way and as effectively is getting difficult.
- Doing my own grocery shopping. I'm oh-so grateful to have grocery delivery services these days, but I love grocery shopping and I hate not being able to see exactly what's in the store and what the produce looks like and where the best deals are.
- Getting in the pool and on a bike. My doctor said my incision is healed enough that I can start to swim again! And even though the first bike I'll be able to hop on will be a stationary bike, it will be more cardio than I've had in a while. I'm sure my endurance has tanked, so I won't mind the transition time before getting back on my real bike.
- Starting school. I had put school on hold for the summer to focus on recovering, but that ended Monday. I'm continuing my master's degree in English, with a Technical Writing Theory and Practice course. It's nothing sexy, but it's something to bring a little fulfillment back to my life.
- More niece time. I've been fortunate to still see my nieces as much as I have, but I've been limited in what could to do with them and for them. It'll be some time before I can run around carelessly with them, chase them, or pick them up (if they would even let me anymore), but soon I will be able to take them for little outings and help them whenever they need it, without being encumbered by crutches or the boot.
- Standing up in the shower. It's been three months since I've stood to take a shower. I've gotten so accustomed to my stool, in fact, that I rarely think about the fact that I normally would stand up to shower.
To those who have shown me support in one way or another (or in many ways!) over the past three months, thank you. You've collectively been my rock.
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